The Bagel – Canvas Causes Global Economic Meltdown

Nick Fahy '18, Managing Editor

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The Dow plummeted on Thursday in a startling rebuke of BC High’s new online user interface, Canvas Learning Management Systems. The markets lost 75% as the school’s transition from the portal (aka Whipple Hill, aka MyBCHigh) inspired widespread panic in investors, causing a market collapse unseen since the time of the Great Depression, with Amazon, Apple, and Whipple Hill all filing for bankruptcy. The crisis is already being referred to as “Black Thursday” or “The Blank Canvas.”

The crisis was reportedly triggered early Thursday morning when BC High junior Bernard Fife ’19 attempted to access the portal’s Assignment Center and discovered it to be empty. Shaken, he checked his student email and discovered an email from the IT department instructing him to install the “Canvas” app on his iPad. As a precautionary measure, he destroyed his iPad.

Similar revelations of empty Assignment Centers and IT emails plagued BC High throughout the morning. By first lunch, a wall of shattered iPads sealed McElroy Hall off from the rest of the building, cutting off communication between McElroy and the rest of society.

As communication broke down completely just before first lunch in McElroy, humanitarian workers at Rebecca’s cafeteria attempted to airlift in ham and cheese sandwiches. Several sandwiches were reported to be on brioche rolls. Rebecca’s aborted its airlift at the last second when it was discovered that many McElroy students had lost their EagleCards.

The crisis soon spread to McQuillan, where the first round of live grading sent category five shockwaves through a freshman English class upon discovering that none of them passed the summer reading test on The Life of Pi.

As a result, freshman George Bluth ’21 pulled the fire alarm as an emergency measure. While McQuillan, Cushing, Cadigan, and Walsh were evacuated, Boston City Fire Department officials attempted to locate Boston College High School, but were thrown off when they attempted to access the school’s location via Whipple Hill and instead, after Google-searching for Whipple Hill and not finding a BC High Whipple Hill website, set off for nature preserve Whipple Hill in Lexington, MA.

The crisis soon spread to fellow Catholic schools when a mass exodus of male students from BC High led Bishop Sean O’Malley to conclude that they were to be replaced by female students and that the school was to go co-ed. Bishop O’Malley, in consternation, shut down all Catholic schools in Massachusetts to prevent them from embracing a co-ed education model as he awaited final jurisdiction from Pope Francis.

At approximately 2pm, a mob of Catholic school students marched on Boston Common to demand that either 1) Canvas be shut down, or 2) the IT department of BC High assemble and correctly toggle the notification settings of every Catholic school student in the nation such that they received email notifications for new group conversations but not for each new assignment. Across the country, similar protests began breaking out as the ACLU, DNC, and GOP endorsed the efforts. Fringe pro-Canvas counter-protests were witnessed in Louisiana and Alabama, but they were roundly condemned by lawmakers on both sides of the aisle.

President Trump is set to address a shaken nation on Friday in a primetime address and is expected to condemn in strong terms BC High’s “reckless, catastrophic” switch, according to a leaked copy of the speech obtained by The Washington Post. Sources also say that the President will make his primetime address alongside rotating stock photos of the Portal Assignment Center, to induce warm nostalgia in the hearts and minds of Americans and to find strength amid catastrophe.

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The Bagel – Canvas Causes Global Economic Meltdown